What To Say to New Grandparents: Will They Understand How I Want to Parent?
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking…
“I don’t want to raise my kids the same way my parents raised me—will they understand?”
You’re not alone.
This worry crosses the minds of so many new parents, and honestly, it’s completely understandable.
The truth is, parenting styles evolve with each generation, and it’s normal for some tension to arise between parents and grandparents. What feels like the right choice for your family might feel foreign or even wrong to your child’s grandparents.
But here’s what we’ve learned through years of supporting families as postpartum doulas:
These generational differences don’t have to create lasting conflict.
At Buddha Belly Doulas, we help support families with new babies to navigate all that comes with it. We are part of your supportive village.
In this blog, we share the insights of DeeDee Moore, founder of More Than Grand, which offers resources to new grandparents trying to understand modern parenting.
So, let’s dive into how families can work better together, even when approaches differ.
Understanding the Generational Gap
The generational gap is not new.
Parenting styles shift over time—your grandmother’s approach to raising your mother may have looked different from how your mother raised you, just as yours may differ from hers.
But why does it feel so personal when we choose different approaches?
When you do things differently, grandparents may interpret it as criticism or rejection of how they raised you. It’s not intentional, but sometimes it communicates, “Your way was wrong.”
But here’s something for grandparents to think about:
The constant access to new information can shape our parenting decisions.
We have research, studies, and even breaking, alarming news at our fingertips 24/7. This creates a different parent decision-making process than any other generation in history.
As postpartum doulas, we see this play out often in the families we support. Sometimes we may even help translate modern parenting preferences in a way that grandparents can understand and respect.
Common Parent-Grandparent Tension Points & How to Handle Them
Let’s confront a few of the most common points of conflict between new parents and grandparents:
- Food concerns are some of the most common points of tension. This includes grandparents not respecting dietary restrictions, feeding preferences, or introducing foods before parents are ready. Whether it’s sugar sensitivities, allergies, or special diets, be specific about the health reasons behind your choices and confirm understanding rather than assuming agreement.
- Discipline approaches often differ significantly between generations. What felt normal for grandparents might feel too harsh or permissive for today’s parents.
- Screen time limits frequently create tension, especially when grandparents’ limits with their own children were different from current recommendations.
- Gift-giving can become problematic when grandparents over-gift or give items that parents don’t appreciate. This could be toys that don’t align with your values or clothes that don’t honor your lifestyle.
Knowing this information even before the baby is born can help. Consider starting the conversation early on with your child’s grandparents.
The Parent’s Role: Communicating with Respect
The key to helping grandparents understand your parenting style starts with how you approach the conversation. DeeDee shared a few strategies that can help:
- Share your “why.” Instead of simply handing over rules, explain the reasoning behind your parenting choices. When grandparents understand that your decisions come from love and research, not rejection of their methods, they’re much more likely to support you.
- Bring resources into the conversation. Books, credible websites, or trusted professionals can help grandparents see that these choices are based on evidence, not personal whims. As DeeDee advises: share your sources. This shows respect for their intelligence while providing the information they need.
- Approach with curiosity. Before sharing your approach, ask how they parented, what they valued, and where they got their advice. This creates space for mutual respect and learning.
- Collaborate on expectations. Instead of communicating boundaries with “Here’s what you must do,” try “Here’s our goal—how can we make it work together?” This transforms the conversation from a potential argument into a productive conversation.
A postpartum doula can be incredibly helpful in facilitating these conversations. We can help you find the right words to share your approach without alienating grandparents, creating bridges instead of walls.
The Grandparent’s Role: Meeting in the Middle
A note to new grandparents:
Defining your new role can be tricky.
Your desire to have a relationship with your new grandchild is important, but it’s also important to remember, you are walking on new territory. And also, creating new relationships now.
Here are a few ways to honor the new parents and your new grandchild:
- Respect the parents’ wishes even if you don’t fully agree. Remember, your best relationship with your grandchild starts with a healthy relationship with their parents. When new grandparents can embrace this mindset, it reduces stress for everyone.
- Join the conversation without your ego or rigid expectations. Your relationship with your grandchild will be different from your relationship with your own children, and that’s okay—it can be beautiful in its own way.
- Be curious instead of demanding. The new parents are trying to navigate a lot of new ground with a lot more information than you ever had to deal with. Approach them with kindness, patience, and support. Ask them how you can help them, even if it’s not what you had in mind.
This is why supportive grandparents are so valuable.
They can significantly reduce new-parent stress and increase that precious sense of community that every family needs.
Giving and Receiving Grace
Today’s parents often feel pressure to “do everything right,” but there’s room for mistakes on both sides.
A grandparent’s role can offer a valuable perspective that not everything needs to be controlled. Sometimes their relaxed approach to certain things can actually help anxious new parents find balance.
Still, parents should have the space to raise their child in a way that aligns with their values, while ensuring their little one feels healthy and loved.
So, in finding this balance, here’s the truth:
Perfect parenting doesn’t exist.
And setting boundaries with grandparents doesn’t mean you need to control every single interaction.
So, give grace, and also receive grace openly.
How Buddha Belly Doulas Help Bridge the Gap
We’ve seen how powerful it can be when families find common ground, and we’re uniquely positioned to help make that happen. Here are practical ways we support families in navigating these relationships:
- We facilitate respectful conversations between parents and grandparents, helping both sides feel heard and understood. Sometimes having a neutral third party present makes all the difference.
- We provide evidence-based resources in a non-confrontational way. When information comes from a professional rather than feeling like criticism from a family member, it’s often received more openly.
- We support both the emotional and logistical needs during your transition to parenthood. By helping families find common ground, we strengthen the entire support system around your baby.
Last Thoughts on New Grandparents
The question isn’t really whether grandparents will understand your parenting style—it’s whether you can create space for understanding to grow.
Grandparents can learn to appreciate and support your approach when the conversation is rooted in respect, curiosity, and collaboration.
Some differences may remain, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t complete agreement but rather mutual respect and a shared commitment to what’s best for your child.
With open dialogue, a willingness to see each other’s perspectives, and sometimes the guidance of a postpartum doula, you can create a multi-generational support team that truly works for your family.
Your child deserves to grow up surrounded by adults who love them deeply and work together.
If you’re expecting or recently welcomed a baby and could use support in setting boundaries with grandparents or navigating family dynamics, we’re here for you. At Buddha Belly Doulas, we believe that stronger family relationships create better outcomes for everyone—especially your little one.
Contact us to learn more about how postpartum support can strengthen family bonds and set everyone up for success.
A big thanks to DeeDee Moore for providing helpful information on this topic! She founded More Than Grand to help new grandparents become the village new parents need. On the More Than Grand blog and social media, DeeDee shares inspiration and resources for grandparents, covering topics such as concrete ways to support new parents, understanding new trends in child care, and meaningful ways to connect with their grandchildren. Take a look at her free guide for parents, “How to Talk So Grandparents Will Listen.” Visit MoreThanGrand.com to learn more information.
Also check out: 5 Ways to Own Your Postpartum Recovery: Tell “Bounce Back” Culture to Bounce or 3 Steps to Safeguard Your Postpartum Boundaries
